Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Dicks

“Dog Days says: fuck you, this is what you want, look at what you want, asshole.”
-ironcupshrug for actionbutton.net

She asked for it, her skirt was too short.
She wanted it, she doth protested way too much for it to be otherwise.
She rented it and played it, knowing full well what it was about.
She must have been psychic and known what I was going to do and totally wanted it, otherwise she would have avoided that dark alley and not spent six hours playing my ass.

There is no justification for rape, or a terrible game.

The problem isn’t that people dislike this game because it blew their mindframe and totally revealed their inner shadow and its taste in idiotic casual violence, it’s because it was such a pretentious piece of shit about it; a piece of shit that not only failed to create a meaning that goes beyond pointing to itself as a meaning generator, (who’s holding the camera? Oh, no one? It doesn’t matter because I’m supposed to recognize the disconnect in reasoning? And realize that I’M PLAYING A VIDEOGAME AND THE CAMERA IS ME/THE VIDEOGAME? Uh…oh I see what we’re doing here :/) but also failed to pass the basic test of a good game: being fun.

This game is Gears of War after a lobotomy.
This game is Gears of War on an iPhone, except it plays just the same as regular Gears of War, which means I’m saying just about everything you think I’m saying about Gears of War.
This game is a thinly veiled generic-brand remake of Gears of War, except made five years after the fact and for somewhere around the same amount of money.
This game is Gears of War for people who like being raped, as opposed to (if you’ll excuse my stereotyping of fratboys and other sundry totems of sexist machismo) rapists.

This game is also the fictionalized version of whoever is playing it, a highly produced fantasy version of sitting around and taking lazy pot-shots at endless waves of enemies. There is no fantastical way to power-play in this game, as doing anything besides getting behind cover, sitting still and taking pot-shots leads to you, the player, getting roundly spanked for your audacity.

You thought you could run and gun? Scoff.
You thought a real man jumped and shot? Guffaw.
You figured that since this was a videogame, we would have found some way to inject dynamic action into a shoot-out? We are artists. Don’t make us laugh. No, in the real world, real men hunker down nice and still, and they fire their gun until the other guy dies.

And, as real men, we sit on our couches and mindlessly aim that sloppy reticle with the right stick and fire shot after shot until nameless man #37245 dies, again, allowing us to nudge our Avatar’s reticle over to the next peon for another 10 seconds of rote trigger-clicking until he, too, finally dies. We then maybe uncross our one leg and cross it under our other one as we guide the Avatar about 10 game-feet to the next spot of cover, and the next 30-60 seconds of rote shooting.

I think we definitely agree that this game is ultimately a commentary on its audience, but the idea that it’s what I “wanted” is absurd. I wanted a fun game, not a $60/8 hour experience that insults me for harboring expectations of having fun. And while I can certainly appreciate this game as a dadaist provocation (you came thinking you’d get a show, but really it’s Pere Ubu making really dumb shit jokes), I can’t help but roll my eyes. Wow, consarn it, they got me! Just like all those other games I keep seeming to review! Now how about something that isn’t a piece of shit, intentional or otherwise?