I wrote an essay! It’s about Wolfenstein (2014), The Filth, 2001, knees, work; all sorts of shit! You can read it on ZEAL.
I wrote an essay! It’s about Wolfenstein (2014), The Filth, 2001, knees, work; all sorts of shit! You can read it on ZEAL.
The first moment in the game (beyond the publisher’s, developer’s, graphics card’s, 3rd party software’s and the game itself’s splash screens) is a disclaimer about controversial content, something like WARNING: THIS GAME CONTAINS A MISSION THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED CONTROVERSIAL OR OFFENSIVE. ARE YOU OKAY WITH BEING CONTROVERSED OR OFFENDED? Y/N.
Is it possible to say no to this kind of question? Did people go to vaudeville geek shows, only go, “excuse me!? He’s going to hammer a nail into his head? I, sir, would like my money back!” Did grindhouse cinema turn away any of its core audience with these kinds of spine-tingling warnings? Has this kind of warning ever been served as anything more than an appetizer, something to get an audience salivating? Are there people who play a military FPS who aren’t interested in seeing some shit? I’m going to make a blanket statement: if you are interested in pseudo-realstic morally-justified murder for fun, then you are also probably the kind of person who is always in the mood for seeing some “real shit,” in which real is defined as something so unreal that it actually is real. You feel me?
I do. I feel me all the time, so I said yes. I’d read so much about No Russian — the airport, the civilians, the <rainbow>massacre</rainbow> — and was curious to see how the game would go about convincing me to go along with the whole thing, perhaps hoping that it had found meaning in the situation, that the developers used their years of craft to take it from digital transgression to something more substantial, that the endless piles of corpses would come to mean so much more than their basic elements of applied blood decals and simulated aggression.
But there was some unknown quantity of gameplay to get through first. The game proper began with a long and unskippable cutscene that recapped the action of the last game. Sort of. It was all pretty abstract: people’s faces float by, yelled something, some credits were displayed. The most I could get out of it was that some guys wanted to kill some other guys, but then a third group of guys got involved and things turned out in some particular way. I suppose it all worked out, but not too well or I wouldn’t have been sitting there playing the sequel.
It should be noted that even though the cutscene is ridiculous in how uninformative it is, the production values are exquisite, which is something that holds true for the rest of the game. The voice acting, map design, texturing and cutscenes all pop off the screen and out of the speakers in a way that goes beyond mere simulacrum and approaches holographic memory. It was surprising to see how much care was put into the game’s interstitial levels; where they might have been cutscenes in other games, if not skipped entirely, here they were fully rendered little set pieces.
It is this kind of generosity that informs the best of the game’s content. Most impressive were the cutscenes between levels, which are told from the point of view of several orbital satellites transmitting the voices, blueprints, photographs, surveillance footage, chat windows, and battle plans that comprise the game’s plot. The sheer density of data is thrilling, like I’m being entertained by a cyborg historian that is searching for, collating and presenting the huge amount of raw data that collectively describes the game’s history. Except its approach is even more than that. It is the stream of reality being corralled and condensed in real-time, converted from a torrential rush of unrelated personal, public and political fragments into something that approaches a cohesive whole, such that the their interrelated truths become apparent, the cracks between them are sealed, and a coherent world is born before my eyes.
The game’s approach to its material even resembles that of a history. It makes no judgments, draws no conclusions, and seeks to create no internal framework beyond finding an organized way to convey all of the facts in their logical order. In its combination of man-on-the-ground reporting (via the actual missions that are played), a viewpoint that watches everything from a global context (the cutscenes) and a presentation that finds a way to make all of this easily digestible (the collective effect of the game), it suggests the potential for a new way of processing a history, one that allows for a deeper, richer understanding of the material.
I should note that these implications are also a farce, the wild dream of the storyteller who is compelled to make the sum total of facts accrue to more than simply a record. To quote Guy Davenport, “One difference between history and imaginative literature… is that history neither anticipates nor satisfies our curiosity, whereas literature does.” Make no mistake: the rigorousness of its nods to the real world and its own just-the-facts-ma’am approach to everything that occurs within its walls has made Modern Warfare 2 a work of fiction in which all of the allusions truly are incidental, coincidences coincidental, and potential meanings more the product of an active imagination than the collective drift of anything contained therein.
In any case, the first actual LEVEL of the game fades in and I’m in the desert, standing under a tent and in front of a folding table that has a rifle and some grenades on it. My name is something like Pvt. Joseph Campbell. In front of me is a sergeant telling a bunch of rookies to stop firing from the hip, because it’s way less accurate than using the iron sights. Behind this clusterfuck (how did these guys get through basic without learning how to use a gun? More importantly, why doesn’t the game just ASK me if I want to play the tutorial? It’d be like the DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOME CONTROVERSY question, except it would say DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOME TUTORIAL?) are a couple of guys shooting hoops with the b-ball. A desert wind blows. The sergeant is rambling, asking me to demonstrate how a REAL private shoots a gun, so I pick up the gun and try shooting him. The screen fades to white and says something like DON’T SHOOT ALLIES. I respawn and try to shoot the rookies. I respawn and try to shoot the b-ball jammers while one is in mid-dunk. I respawn and try to shoot the b-ball itself, but the bullets just pass through and the ball continues its scripted trajectory to the backboard.
After I suck it up and play the tutorial, in which I am briefly introduced to the General Shephard character and am told that “he’ll be watching my performance,” I’m sent to the front line of an unnamed middle eastern country (probs Iran, Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan, Palestine, Lebanon, or Yemen tho) to shoot some dudes and get my feet a little wet. The conventions of the game revolve around using iron sights or a scope to steady my aim & zoom in, and then doing a little strafe dance while I pick off the AI from a distance. Confrontations can be deadly, but usually only at close range or on maps that have too many points of entry to cover simultaneously.
The most memorable parts of the game are distinct: the defense of a very large suburban strip-mall/parking lot complex, and the defense of a two-story house in the woods. The former had me bouncing back and forth between chain restaurants across sprawling parking lots as wave after wave of guys parachuted in, were reinforced by APCs, helicopters did flyovers, and my squad was slowly whittled down as we tried to protect the president of the united states of america. I’m getting a little teary-eyed by how awesome it was. The latter was a pretty similar scenario but scaled down for a house, so I had less area to defend, less people on defense, and was more susceptible to getting popped from simply not being on top of the situation.
The link between these two scenarios is that the scale and persistence of the combat work all of the game’s advantages: the mechanics are basic but well-tuned versions of realism-lite, the AI is deadly cannon fodder, and the production values are high enough to make a cascade of bullets flying through a Burger King storefront feel both tense and exciting.
The last axis of the game’s fun is derived from special-case spectacle, the success of which probably has more to do with the player’s personal tastes than anything else. After the middle east mission, which goes from SNAFU to HOOAH in the span of fifteen minutes due to me being a robust PC shooting a bunch of frail AI, Pvt Campbell gets General Shephard’s notice and is recruited to Taskforce 141/the CIA (i.e. a bunch of rootin’-tootin’ sons of bitches). The perspective then changes from Campbell to Gary “Roach” Clip. Roach is on the ground in some snowy, blizzardy, mountainous place and he is with his good buddy Soap, who is there to hold Roach’s hand throughout all of the coming set-pieces. First is the ice-climbing sequence, where I alternated left mouse and right mouse to simulate alternating arms that are reaching, hooking and pulling their way up an icy escarpment. After that is the silenced-SMG-heartbeat-sensor-sneakaroo-in-a-blizzard, where I sneak around a base during a blizzard and pick guys off with the help of a motion tracker. We get discovered (by the entire base) at some point, which kicks off a brief segment of unadulterated AI shooting before returning to the spectacle parade; by which I mean we hopped on some snowmobiles and raced a bunch of other guys on snowmobiles down a mountain, Roach driving with one hand while he used the other to burn through clip after clip on an automatic pistol until we jumped across a fucking gorge and made it to the escape chopper.
I enjoyed about 2/3’s of that level, finding the whole escape sequence to be, by turns, rote and zany. Which isn’t to say that there is anything in particular wrong with it; one person’s zany escape is another’s zesty escapade. More important to note is that it is the last thing which occurs before the main event, No Russian.
The mission ends with HOOAHs all around, and I’m switched back to the perspective of Joseph Campbell, who is now posing as a CIA operative undercover as Aleksi Ruskanovich. General Shepherd gives a pretty high fallutin’ speech about doing the right thing, and how it might not feel like the right thing, but it’s more right than some other things that might also be the right thing. What he means to say is that I’m supposed to do whatever is necessary to get in with Makarov, a Russian ultra-nationalist who is posed to cause a whole heap of trouble if I don’t get my eye on him pronto. Fade out.
Black screen. Ominous sounds of heavy fabrics being zipped, guns being loaded and locked. The humming of heavy machinery. Fade in, and I’m standing amidst a group of men in suits and kevlar vests, each holding a SAW. Makarov is there too! And he’s saying some stuff, but I can’t remember what…and then his last words are, “And remember: no Russian.” What does that mean?? The elevator opens… and there’s all these civilians… and the guys I’m with raise their guns… and ohhh noooooooooooooooo…. they’re shooting everyone!! What do I do!?!? I… I can’t shoot them… can I? Should I? But what would Papa ShepShep think? Dare I… gulp betray him? Dare I do the right thing?
I mean, I guess that is my condescending version of what my reaction was supposed to be to No Russian. My real reaction was what I assume is also the normal one:
I turned and fucking shot Makarov and his pals, ejecting several pounds of hot hitscan lead into their skulls. I said fuck this and made a fucking decision for the good of humanity, that no duty to god, country or hypothetical father figure could be worth a terminal’s worth of fictional innocent lives. I weighed the rhetoric versus my personal values and voted yes to life. I tried to kill the bad guys.
They in turn revealed that Infinity Ward had graced them with invulnerability. After flinching a few times from the bullet impact, they shot me. Fade to white; DON’T SHOOT ALLIES.
Allies? But… what? I reload and try it again only to get the same result. This must be a mistake. I reload and try running ahead to fire some warning shots to get the civs moving, but find that my run button is broken. Great time to take a fucking walk, Campbell. I try to jump on a table of books for the sole purpose of jumping on a table of books, but apparently Campbell has also decided that jumping would be too much as well. Meanwhile, bullets are flying and civilians are screaming. Some kind of gated bassline with an LFO + sound design is playing. It sounds like a more serious version of this. Ah, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH-XNuxmxlI. It’s all pretty serious seeming, which I guess is the point. Can’t take a massacre seriously without a Hans Zimmerman score in the background, or some goofus horsing around, running and jumping all over the airport bookstore, shooting the bad guys. Right?
Oh, and the end of the mission has Makarov shoot Campbell during an in-game cutscene. See, it was all a plan to start World War 3 by pinning the massacre on an American. One telltale dead American terrorist means that Russia will retaliate against the US and invade. No Russian is thus the genesis of the game’s entire plot, and raison d’etre for the remaining six hours of gameplay.
When something is so catastrophically broken, does it even matter anymore? Is it fair to pay attention to it when it is so obviously oblivious to the words coming out of its mouth? What if that something is the crux of a work’s very existence? Does Modern Warfare 2 ease to exist if I don’t accept its entire reason for existing?
No, it continued merrily on its way with nary a word towards it railroading me into allowing the plot to happen. And god help me, I kept playing. It didn’t hurt that there are some pretty fun segments in the rest of the game, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was immaterial, a divergent timeline predicated on the entire universe colluding against me, willing this history into existence by dint of royal fiat.
The end of the game features a betrayal by General Shepherd, where he shoots the main protagonist you’ve been playing and another good guy because he wants to prolong the war for the purpose of “earning his men the glory they deserve,” which to me implies that he had a direct hand in planning the entire airport shooting. Shit, he’s probably the dude who gave Joseph Campbell rubber bullets and implanted the chip in his brain that debuffed his intermediate motor skills.
Is General Shepherd a metaphor for Infinity Ward???
…you know, the whole thing reminds me of Garth Ennis’ 2001 run of Fury. The Cold War is over and Nick Fury is a relic being bounced out of SHIELD by a group of newbloods who are too soft and two-faced for their own good. He meets up with an old Russkie nemesis in a bar, where they lament the passing of the good old days: Russia vs US, agent vs agent, secret plot vs secret plot. In a lull of conversation, Yuri Gagarin turns to Fury With a glint in his eye and asks, “what if we could do it all again, Nicky?”
Cut to a pineapple republic being toppled, a Gagarin-backed nuclear threat, and Fury leading a team of crack US youngbloods to take the island and stop the whole thing from spiraling out of control. Blood, guts, sacrifices and explosions escalate until we’re at the climax, and Fury is strangling Gagarin with his own innards against a background of exploding bombs while screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS?”
Gagarin: I did it for you, Nicky! I did it for us. One last battle, Nicky.
Fury: YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH! strangle strangle
Gagarin: Admit it Nicky. You love this. You wouldn’t know what to do without it.
Fury: FUCK YOUUUUU super strangle, Gagarin dies
Gagarin and Shepherd and Infinity Ward are right, of course. Players need things worth shooting, otherwise what are they doing? Being the assholes they wished they could shoot.
The emerging layers of role-reversal and mirroring (from player to bad guy, Makarov as Shepherd in micro, Shepherd as allegory for Infinity Ward, and Infinity Ward’s entire design philosophy being summarized in No Russian, in which the player is railroaded-via-action-rollercoaster and lead by the nose through certain activities under the premise of potential fun) are mere analytical games at Modern Warfare 2’s expense, of course. From the outset, the game has let us know that the only real way to interpret it is as a contemporary history of a fictional universe. It has no interest in the player’s curiosity, let alone in providing a real platform for it, or in being about anything more than what it depicts: the events leading up to a fictional world war and its first seven days.
At best, the game illustrates that for the top countries in the world, modern warfare is reminiscent of a videogame, something that would be an indelible strength if Infinity Ward were interested in it for any reason beyond how much faster it makes their rollercoaster go. But by being a work of fiction that completely denies its potential for meaning of any sort, Modern Warfare 2 sacrifices its ability to endure beyond its epoch, relegating itself to the fate of most histories: to dust.
Fresh off of the collapse of Testicles, our Grecco-Roman JRPG that we’d overdesigned and didn’t want to do any real work on, my brother and I were in dire need of funds. Real funds for serious business, which at the time included eating $5 rice plates and cherrypicking games from Steam sales. This is where lolzparade.com came in.
Of all the stupid, underpaying jobs that I’ve had after college, working for a clickbait site was probably the best. While it only paid $12 a list and a list took about 90 minutes to put together, I could at least do it from home and not deal with crazy Bay Area people. And what’s more, I could split the working time in half if I worked with my brother.
At the end of that first day, we looked at what all we’d accomplished and hung up our keyboards. We were tired, and frustrated by constantly negotiating our works with group of editors who grew increasingly wary of our tendency to snipe primo topics and ruin them with over-the-top verbiage, and who constantly warned us to stay on the straight and narrow in fear that we would offend the religious/moral/slavering-celeberity-worship desires of their financial backers and audience, and who were just generally committed to telling us to stop fucking up their lame linkbait site. And not only were our efforts to undermine and mock their jobs unappreciated, it was really boring work. It’s mind-numbing to look through thousands of Ryan Gosling pictures and find 15 that are different enough to warrant a Top 15 of the guy.
It’s been a couple years and lolzparade.com has gone through the inevitable series of transformations that all internet companies do, splitting some of its content across mylikes.com and/or likes.com, and deleting a number of our top 20 lists. It’s hard to say exactly what happened/what’s left, as lolzparade wasn’t that interested in publishing the authorship of its lists, which makes figuring out which of literally hundreds of “Ryan Gosling Hottest Pics” google results is ours a matter of remembering an exact phrase we used in a caption.
Actually, the same problem extended to remembering the name of lolzparade itself:
(20:57:56) cleaverdarkness: do you have links to our buzzfeed articles?
(16:18:29) ebimcdonalds: i might have them in an email
(16:18:36) ebimcdonalds: what was the site called?
(16:18:37) cleaverdarkness: k
(16:18:39) cleaverdarkness: idk
(16:18:41) ebimcdonalds: it was something really stupid
(16:18:46) ebimcdonalds: like iheartmemes or something
(16:18:51) ebimcdonalds: or lollists
(16:18:58) ebimcdonalds: lolmemes?
(16:19:03) cleaverdarkness: that sounds right
(16:22:51) ebimcdonalds: memeparty?
(16:23:00) cleaverdarkness: sure
(16:30:11) ebimcdonalds: memetown?
(16:38:06) ebimcdonalds: do you remember any key phrases or wordings?
(16:38:12) ebimcdonalds: i can’t remember anything here
(16:38:59) cleaverdarkness: nope
(17:01:28) ebimcdonalds: ryan gosling baby duck?
The following are the few that survived. I remember our “Top 20 Faces of James Franco” and “Hottest Kate Uptons” (nee “Sexiest Kate Uptons”, lest the investors be offended by the statement that Kate Upton’s sexualized body is sexy) being a couple of our other more successful lists. If you should happen across these while navigating your own personal clickbait hell, drop us a line. We’d love to see them again.
Picture credits go to whoever we poached the images from, text by us.
15 Cutest Ryan Gosling Pics
Nicki Minaj: Fashion Icon or Disaster
15 Most Hilarious Dilbert Strips
I should note that this list was the last we did, where we were so desperate to stop that we just took the first 15 random Dilberts from dilbert.com and captioned them with whatever the first person to speak said. I mean, after “fuck”, “shit”, “fart” or “what the fuck is this.”
Top 20 Faces of James Franco
Hottest Kate Uptons
Welcome to the offices of Sid Meyers’s as they stand today. On the right, you can see the sales figures for our latest game, Joystick Madness. It is our first flight sim and potentially will go on to be the best selling flight sim ever.
As you can clearly see, we’ve been in business for almost 59 years and have earned close to 2 billion dollars, all while remaining independent of publishers and releasing games almost exclusively for PC. Yes, we are titans of industry, but from humble beginnings…
FRAGMENT FROM AN UNFINISHED PLAY
Lit by a dim spotlight, Bill Gates raises his absurdly large revolver and empties all six chambers into the Xbox One. Behind him, 3 giant screens flash black and white, cycling through phrases like:
FUCK THE INTERNET
BILL GATES: (screaming) I’M SOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
My other topical joke is:
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER AN XBOX ONE
1. Turn one degree and walk away.
This is so perfectly from another era of cross-promotional movie-to-game cashgrab magic. Everything about this is just so totally not right, from the way the morality mechanics seem to work, to the voices, to the one-liners that are both terrible and non-sensical and longer than one line, to the placeholder HUD elements, to the chintzy new age jazz.
Which isn’t to say it’s bad. Even the inane can triumph from time to time.
update: Nightmare Mode went down, so I’ve reposted the essay here.
Hey, I wrote an essay about Modern Warfare 2. You can read it here: http://nightmaremode.net/2012/11/call-of-duty-6-modern-warfare-2-ass2ass-gif-23274/
It is titled:
CALL OF DUTY 6: MODERN WARFARE 2: ASS2ASS.GIF
It is safe to read at work.
Costume Quest (2010)
Double Fine Productions
Genre: Nostalgia via RPG
Played on PC
Not much new in gameworld. I’ve been playing Costume Quest and a bunch of Playstation 1 games to pass the time. Dunno if I’ll say much about CQ; it’s a light RPG that is not bad. Not great, but very aesthetically pleasant, well-written and playable. It’s mostly a kids’ game that serves as a sketch of what could be a bigger/better game. Case in point: the central RPG mechanic is very similar to the FFTactics/DQ6 job system, where each costume you equip a kid with will give her different stat boosts and powers, but the difference is that having a particular costume equipped doesn’t have any lasting effects; the party members can’t learn the costume’s skills, and so won’t carry them over into their next costume.
In some ways this makes sense with regard to the traditional(ly false) notions of the innocence of childhood, where experience slides off a kid’s brain until something clicks and start putting all of those formerly slid-off pieces together; but until then, casual experience isn’t something that has the power to go to the very core of that person’s being.
This translates into gameplay by there being nothing to differentiate your party’s characters. They all start with the same stats, they experience zero growth (aside from the basic xp leveling, which just provides the illusion of increased power vs. the game’s enemies increasing stats), and the only thing that sets them apart from each other is their turn order, which cannot be modified. In practice, this means that turn order dictates what roles they need to play in battle, i.e. should the 1st person have the costume with the area attack special? Should they be the healer? The assassin? The basic question the game asks is: what is the most optimal turn order, and how should they be equipped? Answering that is simplistic exercise in creating a linear death machine, one that has no reason to change once built and perfected.
Which was kind of a bummer until I put the game back into perspective: it’s for kids, sort of. It isn’t trying to be on some crazy RPG min-max shit; the game’s sole goal is to be a snapshot of the excitement and mystery that children feel towards Halloween, and videogames, and costumes, and it does all that with aplomb. Whether kids would really benefit from a fictional-fantastical-nostalgical representation of a time in their lives that is still very real is another question, but again: it’s only sort of for kids. The game’s real goal is to create an interactible pocket of fantasy nostalgia (are the two different? The game doesn’t ask, but perhaps it shouldn’t) for adults who miss that non-existent but seductive version of their childhood moments that they wished existed; the ones that were pristine, idyllic, and unspoiled.
And no matter how much I reminded myself that it’s all a filthy fuckin’ lie, there was still a part of me that genuinely enjoyed the game’s knowing innocence. If nothing else, it was a nice place to be for a few hours.
Sims 3 (2009)
The Sims Studio
I was sitting in a car with Liz Ryerson and Andrew Handsome and they were talking about the death of jRPGs and how them games just don’t got it no more; that they’re long and demand too much time, that the whole grinding mechanic is tedious, and how neither of them felt that they could safely recommend many of the genre’s classics to anyone simply because there are games that do similar things, have similar funs, but are less of a time commitment.
Perhaps this is a skewed way of viewing Sims 3, but I think that its core mechanics revolve around similar ideas of grinding and time dilation. Even if you don’t care about the dollhouse aspect of the game, its actual meat is the same kind of obsessive micromanagement and stat leveling which drove the best of the last few generations’ 99 hour RPGs. It even manages to one-up them by creating several tiers of simultaneous micromanagement (fulfilling the Sims’ needs, doing mini-quests to acquire Life Points that are used to unlock bonus attributes, raising their skill levels, and optimizing their home so that it maxes out their Mood Bar in the shortest amount of time) that need to be taken care of in real-time, and then pits the tiers against one another by making time the game’s limiting factor. If you don’t optimize your sim’s eat/pee/shower/socialize/fun/work routine and squeeze the most out of every day, they will be dead before you know it and they’ll never have achieved that Life Goal of theirs, which means you missed out on big-time Life Points, which usually means that you missed out on getting some sort of hyper-efficient household appliance that future generations can benefit from.
I don’t know how a more casual crowd/who I imagine the target audience is responds to these Life Points reward inducements, but at least for me there was never a moment when I wasn’t thinking about how to eke out more stat gains for my little avatars while keeping all of their Needs bars green, and trying to get the optimal timings down for their mood boosts.
On the one hand this is really fun, and conducive to obsessive and extended gaming. The only time when I thought about stopping was when I began to worry that maybe I was playing for too long. And by too long, I mean that I could see dawn breaking outside my window and I needed to pee, and I’d known that I needed to pee for at least two hours.
I know this is “good”, that a good entertainment should entrain its audience into an alternate dimension of pure fun, but it’s just…after about three days of this, I realized that I would probably end up living in a dumpster where all I did was eat dumpster food and play Sims 3 on a dumpster laptop.
I’m willing to admit that this might just be a personal problem and not indicative of the game’s effects on a larger audience. But then again, how else is EA able to push six expansion packs, five packs of objects, as well as an online store that sells new objects a la carte. I’m talking a minimum $310 investment to get the complete Sims 3 experience, and that’s before whatever forthcoming expansion packs there are and the odds and ends from the site. I mean, who else is going to spend that much money on the Sims? Casuals? People who play Sims 3 for maybe an hour every three days? I suppose if it’s the only game a person plays, sure, but… I only played for three days and literally had to force myself to stop, out of the fear that I ruin my life by spending too much time playing a game that was about helping people who weren’t me.
And it’s not like the game isn’t aware of its own nature. Probably the most Sims-qua-Sims moment was when, after I’d filled my house with ghost sims and got distracted by micromanaging every single one of them, one slipped through the cracks and stayed up all night playing a videogame. She was dead tired, smelled terrible, was on the verge of peeing the couch and had to go to work in an hour, but there was a little icon next to her Fun meter that said she was “having a blast” from all that gaming.
I deleted it pretty soon after. Some things are just too good.
Mark Leung: Revenge of the Bitch (2011)
Genre: jRPG parody
I feel bad saying that this game is “vaguely” misogynist and — worse — kind of dumb, because I really wanted to like it. I like dinosaurs and kites and stuff, and I’ve played a lot of jRPGs, and I certainly have a fondness for parodies, so there wasn’t much working against it as far as I was concerned.
I mean, aside from the unfortunate subtitle. But who knows! Maybe it’s a more abstract kind of bitch, like when people say a situation is a bitch, or like when middle schoolers call something gay. It isn’t literally gay. It’s some sort of metaphorical, non-literal, not-quite-homosexual kind of gay that has more to do with something sucking (no homo) than it does with any particular reality of gender-on-gender hotgayaction (no fishsticks). So maybe it’s that kind of bitch. Or something. You know?
In any case, after a few minutes of wandering around aimlessly, the titular Bitch shows up and boooyy is she a bitch! Here are the qualities that the game uses to define her as an unsavory bitch: she has a unibrow, dresses in kArAzy clothes, has INEXPLICABLE MOODSWINGS, and ~loves~ Mark Leung/Title Character way too much. The last one is probably because she’s his girlfriend, and the inexplicable moodswings are probably related to how much he inexplicably hates her. Why are they dating if he hates her? If he didn’t want to date her because she had a unibrow, why didn’t he decide that before dating her? Was he unaware of her personality before he dated her? Given that she is so up-front with her personality, how is that possible? If so, why didn’t he just break up with her earlier? Why does he break up with her after she saves him from getting mauled by a bear? All answers point towards MALE SELF-OBSESSION… or maybe I’m just having trouble seeing that it is an ironic gesture, and am in the wrong about this.
Either way, these two issues dovetail into the same series of questions: Is this supposed to be a parody of the self-obsessed masculine hero that videogames tend to champion? The Duke Nukem of silent/autistic RPG heroes? Or are these two just another pair of depressing examples in a long line of tedious charicatures of male/female social dynamics?
Well, let me put it this way: when’s the last time you encountered a Crazy Bitch character who wasn’t one dimensional? The Bitch exists for the sole purpose of making the player go, “wow, what a bitch! I sure hope that dumb bitch gets what’s coming to her, or at least stops being shoved in my face!” and as a plot device around which some sort sub-plot will revolve. I’ll go further to guess that she’ll show up at inopportune times and do something that is the equivalent of saying I’M A BIIIIIIIIITCH before disappearing in a puff of smoke, like some kind of evil genie.
But then this wasn’t even the whole game, so who knows. I mean, I didn’t even play the whole game. I went for about 30 or 40 minutes and quit out of boredom. The constant barrage of endless jRPG battles (which comprise at least 80% of the play time. The battle system is your standard Square-Enix turn-based affair, with the menu options consisting of Fight, Special, Item. There is a thing on the side of the screen that shows you the turn order of your party members and the enemies for the next few rounds, which is a good idea but doesn’t help how absolutely awful and tedious the opening is. The sounds are clever but get irritating, and combat animations take forever. Why jRPGs suck in 201X: it’s the moneyfact that the whole format is stale and nobody who is alive and kicking in the year 201X would actually want to waste their precious lives sitting through a console-styled RPG that isn’t hyper-optimized, or at the very least constantly engaging), combined with the dismal writing made it unbearable to go any further, so who knows what happens with this whole Bitch character. Maybe she isn’t really a bitch? Maybe the whole thing gets subverted?
All of this “latent” misogyny isn’t to mention the other worry I had going into the game: is this going to offend by delicate aesthetic sensibilities by being a bunch of wackypants monkey-cheese-silly-willy jokes? Is this game going to be like sitting in my high school computer lab, listening to people trade HeHeHe quips from Monty Python? Will it be something that does not fulfill my subjective taste in humor???
Ohhhh….yes and no. After I stopped playing, I browsed the wikipedia entry to see what I missed and couldn’t even get through it. I tried power skimming both paragraphs and my eyes just bounced off of things like “Canada, a country suspected to be the origin of Vegetology” and “Mark and Dick were sent on a mission to Ireland to retrieve Hong Kong’s lost pirate navy.” Most of the game is this kind of word salad. The protagonist is a wandering ginseng farmer. The save point is a red camelback couch that is just sitting around various parts of the countryside. The protagonist is perpetually in a state of infantile nerd-rage about everything, which roughly translates to “you! Bear!! You took my ginseng!!! Fuck youuuuuuuu!!!!!” in a way that is so in love with its own wacky-doodle way of expressing itself that it forgets the part where a joke is crafted and humor is born.
There was actually a good one, one which briefly gave me some hope. As I adventured, I encountered a pair of women who are running away from pirates and hiding behind treasure chests. I did the obvious thing a player should do when playing an RPG and finding a chest: I opened them. Each time the chest disappeared, causing the women say things like, “what are you DOING? Go away!” and “STOP following us! You messing everything up!” Yeah yeah, I know that cheevo rpg flash game had a similar gag, but it is better here because other characters in the game world notice and are affected by it, allowing me to go heheheheheh as I continue to do it.
Aside from making me laugh, though, the greater thing here is that this sequence is doing something worthwhile with the medium, something that very few games are able to explore without some form of cheevos (the best of these are esoteric in their granularity, like the animal ranks at the end of Metal Gear Solid 3, or the titles you can earn in Way of the Samurai), or taking it to the extreme and becoming open world. Most importantly, this one works in a way that doesn’t require the player to have ever played an RPG before. They’ve already seen a couple chests in the game, so there is already the ingrained desire to open more chests for more loot, one that is probably a lot stronger than helping these two people out.
In other words, this is a pretty interesting exchange and it almost makes me want to go back and see if there are more like it. I know Mark can be a very clever writer, as College Saga is both smart and funny, but… well…
Ah well. Maybe next game, Uglysoft.
Serious Sam: The Random Encounter (2011)
An oasis from the post-jRPG inferno that is world market of RPGs right now. It takes the basic principles of Serious Sam and applies them to console RPGs. This translates into a game that has minimal level design, dialogue, characterization and grinding in favor of maximal combat.
Random encounters abound. The combat revolves around a turn-based action phase, where you select your weapons and aim them, and then watch as your party fires into the oncoming mass of enemies. This lasts for three seconds before the action freezes and you choose what to do again. It’s an oddly tactical experience because while the basic mechanics are simple, every battle is a challenge in figuring out how three guys can stop an avalanche before it crushes them. You need to set up crossfire zones, look at the mass and figure out where it’ll be in a couple turns, balance mowing down the small fries with focus-firing on the heavy hitters, and protect your two most vulnerable guys from bullets, all while your dudes are backpeddaling away from this ever-approaching ball of death.
Grinding is also pretty much non-existent. There is exactly one thing to grind, and it’s the item bar. At the end of every battle is a little bar that fills. When it reaches the top, you get a randomly selected item, one which tends to have a fairly dramatic effect on battles.
In theory the bar is very grindable, but the battles are so tense and the unit compositions of the horde so unpredictable that grinding ends up becoming a very slippery slope. If you die in a fight, you respawn on the tile you were on before you entered the battle. You get three lives a stage and if you run out, you have to start over from the entrance. And it is so easy to die in this. In the game’s relentless desire to kill you, it regularly makes bosses into mini-bosses, and then mini-bosses into regular enemies.
In a way it’s an even better application of the Serious Sam design principles than Serious Sam 3, since underneath the simplicity of the mechanics is a very good strategy game, one that plays unlike anything I’ve played before.